Performed by Val Cole
COFFEE by Paul Wood
On no what a palaver
What an awful din
The barista is going crazy
As the customers all pile in
Mums with small children
Spotty teenagers with attitude
All sorts from all walks of life
Are waiting in the que
I shuffle slowly along the counter
in company with all the rest
Until it's my turn to face the question
I am here to fulfil my quest
The peaky barista glowing red
With hot coffee sweats
Looks at me with wide eyed judgement
And asks loudly "who's next"
"I will have a coffee please " as I look at him
And thanking him in advance
"What one do you want Sir the list is rather vast"
On no my minds a jumble
My tongue is rather tied
I seem to be completely dumbfounded
As I am stopped in my stride
"What ones have you got?" I ask
"I have never been here before
People turn and look at me
As I shrink into the floor.
The barista truly speechless
The stress is rising up
He takes a deep breath his eyebrows frown
As he grabs the next coffee cup
"There are lots to choose from,
I know them off by heart,
If you have a few minutes
from the list I will begin to start"
The shop fell silent
A pin you could have heard
As people all stopped motionless
To hear the list that he had learned
Through gritted teeth and stale coffee breath
"Well sir as you see this is a coffee shop"
"We only sell lovely coffee here"
"I will read it from the top"
"Espresso that's number one there,
you must have heard of that,
what about the next one down,
, we call it a long black"
"There's a Macchiato,
now that is the third one down,
you can have it short or long,
and is especially nice while in your dressing gown"
"Number 4 there is a mocha,
I am a really big fan of that,
what about an Americano,
You can have it with milk, but I prefer mine strong and black"
Standing there I ummed and aaarrd
As I listened hard to the offerings that he had
I was now really, really, really confused
I was feeling rather bad
"I am not sure" I said " What else have you got?"
As I gave a nervous grin
There were tuts and gasps from the watching crowd
As the barista gently breathed in.
looking at his biblical list he slowly points
His face all spotty and a glo
"I am sure you know" comes his sweaty reply
"It's the nations favourite Mr cappuccino"
"Next we have a flat white,
and an affogato,
we have a cheeky piccolo latte there,
and a sexy Ristretto"
"I don't know" I said "I am really confused,
all I wanted was a hot drink,
all skinny Latte this and fat Mocha that,
I didn't want to cause a stink"
The barista slowly bows his head
His hands pulling at his hair
"It's there Sir,.....just choose one,
any one please, just choose one, I really don't care"
I surveyed his list and tried to remember the choice
All the names blurred into one
Quickly my mind was telling me
Your beginning to annoy everyone...
"I will have" as I slowly looked around
The customers statuesque with baited breath
The clock on the wall minutes slowly ticking by
The que behind me gripped in anticipation for my choice to be said
My mind had made the decision
Its now on the tip of my tongue
a round of applause had slowly erupted
like a slow hand clap from a cricket pavilion
"Well out with it "the overheating barista said
"Finally, thank the lord", his voice was all a glee
"What I want,. "YES!" ... what I really want" ... "YES YES. FOR GOD SAKE WHAT!!!!!!!"
.. "Is just a lovely cup of tea "